Brave Parenting

Yesterday I took my children to see the film Brave. Women will relate to this film both as daughters and as mothers, particularly if they have a little girl. Mother/Daughter relationships are oftentimes complicated and this film did a wonderful job accurately portraying that struggle. 

In the film Merida is a beautiful young girl with untamed red hair and a spirit to match, much to the dismay of her mother who has grand plans for her daughter.  This is a struggle that frustrates both the mother and the daughter.  The underlying message?  Neither one feel they are being listened to and neither one is listening.

This got me thinking. How often do we listen to our children versus demand they listen to us?  It should go without saying that as the adults we do have to steer the ship with the goal of raising well-behaved and respectful children.  But are we seeking to raise well-adjusted children or perfect little robots who always do what they're told?

What would happen if we approached our children in a way that enabled them to both adhere to what we as adults know they need to grow and mature:

1. Nourishment.
2. Rest.
3. Boundaries.
4. Rules.
5. Affection.
6. Education.

and allow them to experience what they as children inherently need to discover who they are:

1. Feeling loved.
2. Believing they are good.
3. Having freedom to explore their world, thoughts and ideas.
4. Fail.
5. Succeed.
6. Fall down.
7. Make mistakes.
8. Laugh loudly.
9. Be silly.
10. Find magic in the ordinary.

They say youth is wasted on the young and that may be true. As adults we spend an inordinate amount of time speaking about those long lost days of freedom, right? Well as parents we are given the opportunity to revisit the magic of that time in our lives through our children. So why don't we?

I have found success in talking with my children about their thoughts, ideas and even their mistakes. I use these all as teachable moments that communicate ways to help them make better choices, or explore their ideas.  It doesn't mean they'll never make that mistake again but they WILL be open to the discussion.  By contrast, treating them as a Drill Sargent regards a wayward Private by punishing them every time they are "out of line" only serves to teach children one thing: Lie so you don't get caught. THAT is a tragedy.

In the film both mother and daughter ultimately learn to listen to, rely upon and trust each other. They also realize they each have something to bring to the relationship. The parent/child relationship is NOT a one-way street and a child SHOULD have a voice.

Merida's mother ultimately realized that her daughter needed freedom to be who she was, not who she expected Merida to be. By doing so Merida realized her worth in her mother's eyes. Which was priceless.